Woke up feeling sick and sad.
But...it's sure not the first time. I hope one day it will be the last time. Still praising God for the great day yesterday.

What a Day!

I'm just reporting in to say that I had the most wonderful day! I felt actual lightness inside myself. I had a great early morning walk, prayer, classical music while I worked through my computer stuff, and then a great talk on the phone with a friend whose insight into some things I've been feeling was very helpful. Then I worked in my garden, snapped beans and canned them all afternoon while listening to some James Herriot animal stories on tape. I'm still canning tonight at about 9:00, but I still have energy (very unusual!!). There is an actual "lightness" to my head that is not only mental, but feels almost physical. Hard to explain, but quite welcome. I think this is a combination of many things that are working together for healing. Oh, and I've seen no entertainment TV for weeks. I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but for right now, I am feeling like the real me. Hallelujah!

Just reporting in. I am about to have my last session or two in the Depression Recovery DVD series with Dr. Nedley. I have gained soooo much from them. But like anything else, it doesn't work unless I apply it. But the positive benefits are worth keeping up with it.

Here's something very exciting..... When I have taken anti-depressants in the past, what they have done is subdue anxiety and depression waves and to prevent the spiraling effect downward. That's good, that's what they're supposed to do. HOWEVER, I am now noticing that same positive effect without the drug!!! When I feel that wave coming over me and starting to consume, it levels out and goes away. This is proof that the brain CAN heal itself of depression/anxiety without drugs if it is given the right food, tools, and information. This is a wonderful breakthrough to discover. Also, I'm waking up in daylight now instead of so early in the morning, so I know my sleep patterns are coming around. And, again, I must say that the most helpful thing for me, so far, is avoiding negative speech (and even thoughts, if possible...I have a long way to go). This does not pertain to the difficult things that happen daily that need to be dealt with. To avoid ALL negative things would be impossible in this world and running away from them would be counterproductive. But what is meant by avoiding negative speech is to avoid criticism, intolerance, self-bashing, etc.... Those are all food for depression/anxiety. Depression and anxiety can be starved (to death, I hope) by stopping those negative impulses when they appear and to replace them immediately with some sort of praise or just simply talk about something else. If something negative or challenging needs to be handled, it can still be done without critical words. Here's an example of something that happened to me recently: I was visiting a church out of town. There was a group of young adults who went up to lead a song service. One of the young ladies was wearing a rather skimpy dress. My immediate response to that was to think to myself, Why is she wearing such a sleezy dress in church? Doesn't she know what that looks like?" etc. etc. BUT instead of allowing that negative thought to gain momentum, I immediately stopped and reminded myself that I don't even know this woman. As far as I knew, it could have been her first day in church. And maybe, in God's eyes, her willingness to get up front and share her music was more pleasing to Him than me sitting in my modest apparel picking her apart! So, I decided to just embrace the music and the words of praise to God that were being shared. And I received such a blessing in my heart and mind! And when the young lady went to sit in her seat (which happened to be across the aisle from me), I had a different attitude. I felt grateful that she had been there and I prayed for her spiritual growth.... and mine!

Stuggles I'm continuing to have with depression recovery are OCD issues. I continue to second guess everything I say, but that is improving too. It's such a deep habit and SO hard to resist. These things didn't appear overnight and they will not disappear overnight either. But progress is happening.

By the way, if anyone is out there reading this, I hope you are encouraged by my honest reports. And if you want to ask me anything, please post your comments or email me: simmonsmg@wildblue.net I'm praying for you. And if you're a praying person, please pray for me too, okay? Thanks!

Well, it's been a while since I've checked in, so here is the update on my depression recovery. I've recently had a bit of a setback, but when I analyzed it, I realized I had backslidden on the things I had been doing previously when I was doing so well. Classical music....attention to foods high in tryptophan and omega-3, and going to bed early. That going to bed early thing really does have an effect. More serotonin is produced before midnight. AND I hate to admit it, but I do believe the assignment of "no negative speech" has greater bearing on diminishing depression than I had even realized. So..... starting over again on the 14 consecutive days without negative speech. If you think I'm a negative person, just try this little exercise yourself! :-)

PRAISE! Praise has been (and is) the biggest tool for success. God inhabits praise and where God is, peace is. It seems SO unnatural to praise when depression is pressing all around, but it can be done....and it does work!! I feel peace arrive at the mention of praise to God and all of his blessings.

Okay, off to work now. Oh! That's another thing. My boss was kind of insulting my work the other day, but I was able to turn that around in my mind and not be consumed by it. Also, I started humming. Remember that humming has a direct effect on the frontal lobe.

Permission for Wellness

This is very strange, but sometimes I find myself having to ask myself permission to feel well! I guess after so much darkness, it seems strange to be in the light....and stay there! That's kind of weird since I DO want to be completely past depression. Just a change, I guess, but a good one!

DAWN 2

It happened! Remember I mentioned on my last post that I woke up at a normal time, passing over the 4 am and 5 am visits by the Black Hole? Well..... this morning I not only by-passed those wake-up times, waking to my alarm, but I also actually felt rested! This is the first time in months that this has happened. I always wake up feeling just as tired as when I went to bed. AND I didn't feel as depressed as usual. I didn't just jump out of bed, by any means, but I did feel like it would be worth it to get up. Praise the Lord! And thank the Lord for Dr. Nedley's depression recovery program. Also, my sweet Mark gave me a lullaby treatment of relaxing massage and then reading to me from the Bible until I fell asleep. This is a wonderful breakthrough after years of dreading to go to bed, knowing that I'd only have to wake up again.

The more I learn about how to reprogram the frontal lobe of the brain and reverse depression/anxiety, the more I'm learning about myself. By the way, I really DON'T like talking about myself. In fact, that's one thing that I believe has prevented my own healing earlier is that I don't want to concentrate on myself. But when I committed to going through this program, I promised myself to concentrate on ME so that I can be well. And then I will be able to do what I really want to do..... concentrate on others. And do it with a sound mind and healthy emotions. I've wasted entirely too much life trying to deal with life using a defective brain. What a waste! Anyway, something I'm noticing is that I'm not freaking out inside when I speak up about something important to me. Usually, I end up fearing that I've offended or hurt someone by my words, and then go back and try to "fix" it. Invariably, the person assures me that they weren't even aware of what I was worried about. It was just part of my distorted thinking pattern in that way. But now, I am feeling that hold being released and my confidence is being restored.

Okay, so now I'm feeling that I need to quit talking about myself... So, I'll talk about God instead. PRAISE. That's something that has really been helping. Praise is not the same thing as "positive thinking". Positive thinking is not that helpful in my experience. It seems rather hollow in its effect because it so often seems to be simply the chanting of something that you wish to be true, but you know isn't. But praise is something different. Praise is stating something positive that is actually true. And the more I do it, the more I want to. For example, it's a hot day today. I could say, "I'm sick of this heat!" (negative comment) Or I could say, "I love this heat!" (positive thinking comment, which isn't true). OR I could say, "It's really hot today, but not long ago I was sitting in a cold classroom wishing for summer. So I'm grateful for this warm day of no coat or mittens." Do you see the difference? Anyway, that's one of the things I'm practicing. It may sound pretty elementary, but just try it and see how much better you feel. And it's also rather liberating to take hold and reprogram your thought processes. Power!