DAWN!

Hurray! I woke up in daylight today! Did I still feel depressed? Yes, but at least it wasn't 4 a.m. and then 5 a.m. in the dark, which has been my pattern. Just waking with dawn was encouraging in itself. So, perhaps I'm turning a corner. Glory be! I think it may partly be due to my improved eating habits. I haven't been eating between meals for the last few days and especially not in the evenings past supper. I've also been eating more natural foods and cut out a lot of garbage. There's a frozen pizza in the freezer right now calling my name, but I called it a name instead. ha! Not that eating pizza is causing my depression. But I'm comitted to trying to do my best to help myself. And nutrition is one factor. Now, on the minus side....I'm starting over yet again with the 14 consecutive days of not saying negative speech. My, my how hard that is! But I know there is validity to it as I have already noticed improvement in my thinking from just taking a stab at it! It's rather liberating, in a way, to realize that I have the power to reprogram my brain by controlling what comes out of my mouth.
So, is anyone out there?? If so, please feel free to lurk. I do hope I can help someone along the way. Even though I'm still struggling with depression/anxiety, I am improved enough to totally believe that it can be cured and that no one needs to live like that forever! (I hope I'm right!)

BACK AGAIN, FORWARD AGAIN....

Okay, this morning was rough.  So was yesterday, and not just in the mornings.  I'm not going to dwell on the details, but just the usual unwelcome companionship of depression, anxiety, and a sprinkling of OCD here and there...  I'm not going to try to analyze how or why or what either.  I'm simply acknowledging the truth since that's important in the recovery process.  Acknowledge what is true....in this case, it's still with me...and then go forward with the reconstructive thinking, the banish of negative speech, nutrition, and exercises of focus.  Time spent in church, fellowshipping with like believers did certainly help to an extent, and time spent talking things out with Mark helped too.  God is ever-present in this journey and I know that my struggle is His struggle too.    So, that's that for now.    I will spend the rest of the day moving onward in constructive work and maybe even some play later!  Whatever happens, I WILL NOT GIVE UP!  

Breakthrough!

I had the most wonderful thing happen today. A good friend of mine left a message on my phone saying, "I wanted to tell you that I've noticed that you look better. I can't put my finger on it, but your eyes just look brighter and you seem more alert and focused in your speaking."

I was so happy to get that message because it is evidence from someone else's perspective that I'm getting well! It's working. I'm having ups and downs and putting the things I'm learning from the Nedley sessions is not always easy, but they are always WORTH IT!! And now it is showing from the outside! I especially was pleased with the feedback that my "eyes look brighter" because a depressed person's eyes just look dim. I can spot another depressed person by his/her eyes and I look at photos of myself during the Great Depression and my eyes are dim even when my face is smiling. So, to hear that my eyes are brighter gives me great courage to keep up with the program.

Speaking of the program, I need to be sharing some of the highlights just in case there is anyone "out there" who is reading along here. I want to be able to help you if I can. Here's the latest assignment: Reconstructive Thinking. Basically, the idea is to catch yourself having distorted thinking. If you have distorted thinking, you probably are aware of it. In my case, I tend to second-guess everything I say (or have said in the past) and it almost always ends up being nothing of any importance. I feel like a cat chasing it's tail in these situations. It seems SO LOGICAL at the time, though, doesn't it? So, here's what you need to do next time you are sliding into a panic or thought distortion..... 1. Write down your feelings and what you are thinking or experiencing. Don't think about what you are going to do with it. Just write it all down. 2. Read it back to yourself. Imagine that it is not you who has just experienced this, but a friend. That friend is telling it to you. What would you tell that friend? Would you see it as logical? Or would it seem distorted? Most likely, if it was a friend telling you about himself what you've just written about yourself, you would be able to identify that the friend is off base. So, do that for yourself. 3. Identify the distorted points. 4. Now deal with those negative thoughts/distortions by RECONSTRUCTING them into positive thoughts. I've been trying to do this and it does help.
Now, to keep things real, I must say that I woke up this morning feeling very depressed. This is my pattern as I've mentioned before, so it is no surprise. I've been waking up depressed for years. But in order to stick with the reconstructing thought patterns, I reminded myself that even though the reality is that I did, in fact, wake up depressed, it doesn't mean that I always will. And I also reminded myself of the very positive fact that it is only in the mornings now instead of all day long like back in the Great Depression. Mark then got me involved in some exercise and his cheerful spirit and now I'm back in business.

Smiling

Well, there is so much to report from my "lessons" in the depression recovery program with Dr. Nedley (via DVD). I don't seem to have time to blog about it as I'd like to, though. One thing I do want to write, however, is that I just noticed something today. I noticed that I'm smiling more. Not that I don't smile normally. It's just that I'm noticing that I'm smiling without really noticing. I was in Walmart and noticed people smiling at me and I realized I smiled first! This is a welcome trade for the many times I've caught a glance at myself in a store window or mirror and seeing a wrinkled forehead.

I've been using the special light for my wakeup times and I'm applying the other suggestions as well like nutrition, and the difficult assignment of not using negative speech for fourteen consecutive days! Needless to say, I've had to start that one over several times. I'm on day 2. Again! I do believe it's all coming together, though.

More later...