DAWN 2

It happened! Remember I mentioned on my last post that I woke up at a normal time, passing over the 4 am and 5 am visits by the Black Hole? Well..... this morning I not only by-passed those wake-up times, waking to my alarm, but I also actually felt rested! This is the first time in months that this has happened. I always wake up feeling just as tired as when I went to bed. AND I didn't feel as depressed as usual. I didn't just jump out of bed, by any means, but I did feel like it would be worth it to get up. Praise the Lord! And thank the Lord for Dr. Nedley's depression recovery program. Also, my sweet Mark gave me a lullaby treatment of relaxing massage and then reading to me from the Bible until I fell asleep. This is a wonderful breakthrough after years of dreading to go to bed, knowing that I'd only have to wake up again.

The more I learn about how to reprogram the frontal lobe of the brain and reverse depression/anxiety, the more I'm learning about myself. By the way, I really DON'T like talking about myself. In fact, that's one thing that I believe has prevented my own healing earlier is that I don't want to concentrate on myself. But when I committed to going through this program, I promised myself to concentrate on ME so that I can be well. And then I will be able to do what I really want to do..... concentrate on others. And do it with a sound mind and healthy emotions. I've wasted entirely too much life trying to deal with life using a defective brain. What a waste! Anyway, something I'm noticing is that I'm not freaking out inside when I speak up about something important to me. Usually, I end up fearing that I've offended or hurt someone by my words, and then go back and try to "fix" it. Invariably, the person assures me that they weren't even aware of what I was worried about. It was just part of my distorted thinking pattern in that way. But now, I am feeling that hold being released and my confidence is being restored.

Okay, so now I'm feeling that I need to quit talking about myself... So, I'll talk about God instead. PRAISE. That's something that has really been helping. Praise is not the same thing as "positive thinking". Positive thinking is not that helpful in my experience. It seems rather hollow in its effect because it so often seems to be simply the chanting of something that you wish to be true, but you know isn't. But praise is something different. Praise is stating something positive that is actually true. And the more I do it, the more I want to. For example, it's a hot day today. I could say, "I'm sick of this heat!" (negative comment) Or I could say, "I love this heat!" (positive thinking comment, which isn't true). OR I could say, "It's really hot today, but not long ago I was sitting in a cold classroom wishing for summer. So I'm grateful for this warm day of no coat or mittens." Do you see the difference? Anyway, that's one of the things I'm practicing. It may sound pretty elementary, but just try it and see how much better you feel. And it's also rather liberating to take hold and reprogram your thought processes. Power!

DAWN!

Hurray! I woke up in daylight today! Did I still feel depressed? Yes, but at least it wasn't 4 a.m. and then 5 a.m. in the dark, which has been my pattern. Just waking with dawn was encouraging in itself. So, perhaps I'm turning a corner. Glory be! I think it may partly be due to my improved eating habits. I haven't been eating between meals for the last few days and especially not in the evenings past supper. I've also been eating more natural foods and cut out a lot of garbage. There's a frozen pizza in the freezer right now calling my name, but I called it a name instead. ha! Not that eating pizza is causing my depression. But I'm comitted to trying to do my best to help myself. And nutrition is one factor. Now, on the minus side....I'm starting over yet again with the 14 consecutive days of not saying negative speech. My, my how hard that is! But I know there is validity to it as I have already noticed improvement in my thinking from just taking a stab at it! It's rather liberating, in a way, to realize that I have the power to reprogram my brain by controlling what comes out of my mouth.
So, is anyone out there?? If so, please feel free to lurk. I do hope I can help someone along the way. Even though I'm still struggling with depression/anxiety, I am improved enough to totally believe that it can be cured and that no one needs to live like that forever! (I hope I'm right!)

BACK AGAIN, FORWARD AGAIN....

Okay, this morning was rough.  So was yesterday, and not just in the mornings.  I'm not going to dwell on the details, but just the usual unwelcome companionship of depression, anxiety, and a sprinkling of OCD here and there...  I'm not going to try to analyze how or why or what either.  I'm simply acknowledging the truth since that's important in the recovery process.  Acknowledge what is true....in this case, it's still with me...and then go forward with the reconstructive thinking, the banish of negative speech, nutrition, and exercises of focus.  Time spent in church, fellowshipping with like believers did certainly help to an extent, and time spent talking things out with Mark helped too.  God is ever-present in this journey and I know that my struggle is His struggle too.    So, that's that for now.    I will spend the rest of the day moving onward in constructive work and maybe even some play later!  Whatever happens, I WILL NOT GIVE UP!