Happy Anniversary to Me!

Well, it has been a year since I began the depression recovery program and I am still doing great. As you have seen (if you have read my archives), I have had some setbacks here and there, but all in all, recovery has carried through! This is the longest I have ever gone without falling back into major depression, including unhealthy weight loss, anxiety, ocd, and the ever present darkness. In fact, I am far from it. And here is the very encouraging PROOF that I am recovered: I still have problems in my life. Some of them are the very ones I had during "The Great Depression." In fact, some may even be more serious now than they were then. HOWEVER, I am not falling into major depression. I am sad, yes, because I have reasons to be sad. I am concerned, yes, about some situations because I have reasons for concern. But I am dealing with these things with a mind that can focus better and approach problems with honesty and not constant fear, anxiety, and second-guessing. This is huge! So, I just wanted to report this as an encouragement, I guess. Because as I was pondering the things that are bothering me very much right now, I also had to notice that I wasn't bracing myself for the plummet! It is a reminder to me (and to you) that there is a difference in being depressed (normal) and having depression. Realizing this is a very welcome anniversary gift, which I'm warmly embracing. Bring in the cake and light the candle!

I'm aching these days. My neck and shoulders mostly. I know that's a symptom of depression as I've had these aches before. But the good news is that I had an emotionally disturbing issue come up and I handled it without second-guessing (my OCD demon) my every word. I am thinking more clearly now, even when faced with difficult issues. :-)

NBD/BD: I heard an elementary teacher say that he often handles difficulties with his students by saying something is NBD or BD. NBD means No Big Deal. BD, of course, means Big Deal. So, I'm just throwing that out there as I've had that kind of rattle through my head now and then since I heard it. It's kind of helpful to sort things out sometimes as NBD and BD. Sometimes I even tell myself to give something that seems like a BD at the time the rest of the day and then decide if it is still a BD. Surprisingly, it often gets sorted to the NBD file.

I am doing increasingly better! I feel more stable for longer periods of time and the OCD issues are really decreasing! We have had a lot of company lately, which I have enjoyed thoroughly. It's strange, but often I will feel a bit depressed even after having a GOOD time. I think this is simply because it is taxing even to have fun for someone who is in a weakened state of mind most of the time. BUT not this time. I feel great! So this is a sign of stability taking roots. My OCD issue of second-guessing everything that I say or think is also diminishing. Soon I am going to compile a summary of what I've learned and practiced and gained from this journey to recovery. I will put it out here so that all can see....if they choose. For now, life is feeling pretty good. Not completely normal, but much better. Still waking up sad, but not dwelling on it.

BACK AGAIN, FORWARD AGAIN....

Okay, this morning was rough.  So was yesterday, and not just in the mornings.  I'm not going to dwell on the details, but just the usual unwelcome companionship of depression, anxiety, and a sprinkling of OCD here and there...  I'm not going to try to analyze how or why or what either.  I'm simply acknowledging the truth since that's important in the recovery process.  Acknowledge what is true....in this case, it's still with me...and then go forward with the reconstructive thinking, the banish of negative speech, nutrition, and exercises of focus.  Time spent in church, fellowshipping with like believers did certainly help to an extent, and time spent talking things out with Mark helped too.  God is ever-present in this journey and I know that my struggle is His struggle too.    So, that's that for now.    I will spend the rest of the day moving onward in constructive work and maybe even some play later!  Whatever happens, I WILL NOT GIVE UP!  

Starting Again....

Well, I see that my last blog entry was April 24. I dropped the ball for a while, but I'm back on track. I'm not going to punish myself, but just move ahead. I've realized that one thing that is hard for me in blogging about this topic is that it is hard for me to concentrate on me. This is not as much about being unselfish as it is about my fear that if my family sees me in weakness, then they will not feel free to come to me for help if they need it. I realize this is irrational thinking as depression is not a sign of weakness. My opinion, in fact, is that depressed people are some of the strongest people alive. They have to be. Correction: WE have to be. See how I excluded myself?
Update on the classical music... I like it!! I truly have developed a taste for it. I do believe it does bring focus to the frontal lobe and a sense of clarity. It sure makes a difference what classical music it is, however. Right now, I'm listening to the music radio found on www.drnedley.com Very nice. AND I also learned from Dr. Nedley's information that humming is valuable to the proper functioning of the frontal lobe. So, I've been humming when I wake up and throughout the day.
Otherwise, still eating almonds, flax seed, tofu, and other wonderful "medicines" that are full of omega-3 and tryptophan. I'm also keeping up with the word games. Exercise is plentiful in my job at the greenhouse this summer, which I am enjoying.

Well, it's 5 a.m. and, as usual, I have been awakened by the heavy and low cloud of depression. A few years ago, I had what doctors call severe depression and what I call "The Great Depression." Since that time, I have had various "recessions." If I stay busy and active, I do well most of the time now. But I do still have episodes, especially first thing in the morning. I'm very weary of it, but God has brought to my mind these words from the Bible in James 5:11
Behold, we count them happy who endure.

Now, as for a couple of things I'm doing from the Nedley plan.....
Classical music. It is highly recommended as a tool in repairing and reviving the frontal lobe of the brain where depression is rearing its ugly head. I have to say that classical music has never drawn me. But I now have my car radio set to it and I am hoping to develop a taste for it. And if I don't develop an actual appetite for it, I will still consider it "medicine" which I'm very grateful for. So, go Bach!!!
I'm also doing more mental exercise, which is recommended. Scrabble is my favorite! Mark, who is not a game person, is kind enough to play with me....and even to beat me once in a while. :-)

Day Two

Well, it's late and as the famous football coach Vince Lombardi said, "Fatigue makes cowards of us all." I'm not especially feeling cowardly, but I'm not as enthusiastic about blogging my day as I was earlier today. Several times, I thought of points I wanted to mention, but I was nowhere near a computer at the time. Thus, I'm stuck with mere remnants of wisdom. ;-)

For right now, I just want to say that I feel my new part time job at the greenhouse is a Godsend. The fresh air, sunshine (Vitamin D is crucial to healing depression), and soil up to my elbows are the perfect partners for this journey. There is an unspoken presence of the Creator, which can only be helpful.

Well, I just typed a couple of paragraphs and then deleted them. That is a pattern I have. I will say something and then edit it. This is not just because I am a writer. It's because I fear and doubt my own words and second guess myself. I'm not sure how I got that way, but it's true.

Depression Recovery: Day One

Actually, there have been many Days One. Many attempts at willing myself well. Snapping out of it. Putting mind over matter. And all of those attempts were genuine and fueled by a belief in the power of positive thinking, which does exist and should be exercised, and in fact, did help. For a while. The problem is that for the depressed person, all the will in the world can't make a sick brain well. Wow, I said it! And I said it in front of....the whole world?? It's okay, though, because I realize now that a sick brain doesn't make a person any more crazy than a sick stomach. It does, however, mean that it needs fixed. And while I know that my own will is key in my success, I acknowledge that it is only the starting point and not the finish line. My will is not the cure, but my permission to be cured.

I have just completed reading Dr. Neil Nedley's book called Depression: The Way Out. Dr. Nedley claims (with documented success) that depression can be cured, not just treated. He does prescribe medications for his patients when needed, but the ultimate goal is to be free of depression, anxiety, and medicine. I'm there! Well, at the starting point, that is. The approach involves nutrition, lifestyle, spirituality, exercise, and other very "real" approaches. So, I've established this blog in order to stick with the program and be accountable to someone "out there" even if it is only myself reading my own posts. I do welcome, however, anyone's comments.